Monday, 19 September 2011

Bit of a sodding moan

What a crappy, crappy run.
Being too poor to go to the gym should have been a great thing. Forcing me to run outside, appreciate the fresh air, bit of sunshine. (I did appreciate those things.)

49.09 for 4.5 miles - fucking pathetic.
Seriously pissed off with myself. God knows why it was so bad. Felt brilliant in the gym a few days ago.  I'd had 2 weeks off and felt far better for it. A good 5k, then some heavier than usual weights - all v positive. Despite proper preparation today was just dire.

I ran up the Seat and round to Duddingston loch, then walked quickly up the steps and back to the top road then ran home. The walk was maybe .2 of a mile - so not far enough to explain the terrible time.
I really, really miss running on empty country roads that are 'rolling' rather than hilly. Must find more routes. Maybe even routes that need a bus? Anything is better than being so dispirited by the sodding hill every time. I don't want to run up hill. I don't enjoy it. I just want to run for miles on the flat-ish without having to think about traffic, or people, or stopping at lights. 

AND another thing.... I really don't understand my weight at the moment.

Spent 10 days counting every calorie and never eating more than 1400 - and exercising a lot.
Nothing happened. Not one pound. (And I've been counting calories for about 18 years so yes I did it right, and YES I wrote down every tiny thing, every ml of milk in coffee, any teaspoon of anything.)
Then I went to London for 6 days, did v little exercise except some walking, and ate basically what I pleased without going overboard. Lost 2lb
Now back home, eating less and exercising more - Gained 2lb

I don't mind eating loads and getting fat (what I mean is that I HATE it, but I see the cause and effect); but I hate a seeming lack of results when I make a serious effort. Maybe it's just age, maybe the serious effort has to be a bit more stringent now.

Ah well, maybe I'm just feeling a bit shit about everything at the minute.
The dress I'd planned to wear to a wedding it too small (no wonder as I've put on 16lb since first trying it - what an idiot!) - only saving grace is the back-up dress which only needs the straps altered to turn it from a dress with a waist-band to a Grecian/empire line. And in doing this it becomes short enough to not need taken-up, thereby making the whole process cheaper. And I like it as a dress... so you know, could be worse.

But I really felt 'normal' 16lb lighter - and I'd never felt that before. And now I've had it, I really want the feeling back - but it just seems so hard to get there, and I don't understand why given how badly I want it... if that makes sense. I mostly just can't believe I let this happen, and I know it was comfort eating due to extreme stress for 6 months, but even so - I feel like such a fool, at this point I think drinking would have been less harmful to me. Really, anything except eating - again.

Ah well, I'll just have to put some serious effort in and hope I get results this time. And then maybe remember to fucking maintain them as I am now the cliche of someone who has been on a diet for the last 20 years and really, really, really has had e-fucking-nough.

Apart from the desire to winge the last few weeks really haven't been too bad. Fantastic w/end of festival madness (5 shows - all worth the effort); wonderful watching of the end of Festival Fireworks from Princes St; work continues to be good and I'm getting to know some of my colleagues - which is great as they're lovely! Seeing inside the Scottish Parliament for a work-do really was a treat. It's an incredible building with so many details that take your breath away. Stunning angles, light and the doors are fabby!

And now chg is in Nepal having a much, much needed break and I'm being delightfully entertained by my lovely friends, who as well as feeding me and stopping me from going completely bonkers (only time will tell on that one) also lend me time-sponges like DowntonAbbey & Twighlight books ... I may never sleep this week as I try to watch and read everything. DAMN YOU HH! :-)

Right, must go wash and feed doggy, and generally mope. Bah humbug. 
And I wanted to go to GrannyGreens tonight but have been a lazy arse so I've got too much work to do. WHY WHY WHY, as with all things, do I bring this on myself?

ps Meeper had a little girl who I finally get to meet this week!
pps The delightful Gold Dog is allowed to come and sit under the desk at my feet.
Good results all round!


insearchofmyfigure said...

First off - you are fabulous and shouldn't feel so down on yourself.

Secondly - I know exactly how you feel, (so consequently also know how pointless the first point actually was, but I wanted to say it because it's also true. So there).

It seems to not matter a jot at the moment what I do - gym five times a week, eating less, whatever, but the weight is steadfastly going no-where at the moment. Like you, I just don't get it! I'm kidding myself on that it's muscle going on at the moment, but nothing seems to be getting looser at the same time, so God knows what is actually going on.

Hang in there - you got to a point where those 16lb weren't there and you'll get to that point again. As my dear husband keeps reminding me, it just takes the effort that I frankly think only Gods must posses, but it will happen. And you'll suddenly see results and forget about why you were worried about it...

At least, that's what I keep telling myself! Hideous time and effort aside, you'll get there!


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